October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, So I thought I would begin by posting about DV. If you are in a situation where you need help or would like more information about the resources available in your area, email us at [email protected]. 
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The War Behind Closed Doors

When most of us hear the word “war”, we’re jolted back into memories of the military conflicts we’ve seen on the news and can relate to. Why wouldn’t we? It’s what we know. This country lost almost 6,500 dedicated, hardworking patriots from 2001 – 2012. We celebrate the freedom they fought to preserve… remember their spirit by honoring them and fight back to make sure it doesn’t happen again; but did you know that during that same period of time nearly 12,000 women were murdered by a current or ex-spouse/ lover? Nearly double… but these conversations don’t exist. For whatever reason, the shame and stigma prevent women from moving forward. What are we so afraid of?

While every relationship is different, domestic violence generally involves an unequal power dynamic in which one partner tries to assert control over the other in a variety of ways. It is a pattern of abusive behavior in which someone uses physical, sexual, psychological or other types of harm against a current or former partner, family member or other relatives along with his or her unintended victims. It can also include stalking, threats or other behaviors meant to manipulate and control someone. Examples include insults and threats, emotional abuse, sexual coercion. Some perpetrators may even use children, pets, or other family members as emotional leverage to get the victim to do what they want. Victims experience diminished self-worth, anxiety, depression, and a general sense of helplessness that can take time and often professional help to overcome.

Psychological abuse, in particular, can cause long-lasting damage that can lead to the development of disorders like post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, anxiety disorders, and/or depression. These problems can manifest or linger long after the abusive relationship has ended. No one should have to suffer this kind of pain! The first step to breaking free is recognizing that the situation is abusive. Once one acknowledges the reality of the abusive situation, you can get the help you need.

Did you know that every 9 seconds a woman is beaten by her husband in the United States? Abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice! Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse are not due to the abuser’s loss of control over their behavior. Quite the opposite, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you through a variety of tactics to manipulate and control you. For example:

 Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as their possession.

 Humiliation – An abuser will do everything they can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you’re worthless and that no one else will want you, you’re less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

 Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on them, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. They may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

 Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. They may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

 Intimidation – An abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don’t obey, there will be violent consequences.

 Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, or even on you and the kids, the victims of their abuse. The abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred and will commonly shift the responsibility on to the abused. Somehow, their violent, abusive behavior is your fault.

Batterers do not limit their controlling behaviors to verbal and physical assaults. Different forms of coercive control such as cyber-abuse can have a profound effect on both child and adult survivors. Many batterers utilize digital technology, including smart-phones, tablets and/ or laptops to stalk, coerce and harass their survivors. Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually. Ten Million! If we’re having a difficult time talking about the act itself, how can we begin to navigate its unintended consequences?